Because when the breathing tube fell out and Samuel ended up with a pneumothorax and a partially collapsed lung, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. I was hysterical after getting the call at 1:00 am from the doctor, and a follow up call at 4:00 am. They'd put a tube in his chest to drain the air from outside his lung and completely jacked up his ventilator settings. He was put on a sedative/pain killer to ease the discomfort and keep him from moving too much. His feedings were stopped and he was given IV fluids again. It was a huge step back.
I'm not afraid to dance.
Because when I saw my baby the next day, I was less afraid of the tubes and more amazed at how resolute he still looked. He was sedated, but still kicked the nurse when she tried to change his diaper. He didn't even look fazed by what he'd just been through, as though it was his plan all along.
I'm not afraid to dance.
Because as I fell apart, the people around me rallied to keep me together.
I'm not afraid to dance.
Because yesterday, a mere week after this all happened, Sam was extubated. On purpose.
And he is KILLING IT.
I'm not afraid to dance, because yesterday I saw my baby's full face for the first time. I could feel him breathing, hear the air coming in and out of his nose. I heard his little cry, more of a whimper, but a tiny sound nonetheless.
And then he smiled. A full, dimpled smile. It lasted for just a few seconds, but it was by far the best thing I've ever seen.
When we hit the low points I cry hard. That's why when we have triumphs I dance even harder.
As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.
"I said LESS tubes, not more! Don't touch me, this is not okay."
"Mmm, I'm getting fed again, and no more painkillers! Still recovering from that chest tube."
"This kangaroo wrap really elevated our skin to skin session. Thank you Ace's mom for donating it to us!"
"Don't let this episode distract you from the fact that I'm still planning to take over the world."
"Whoa, hey now!! This cannula is a lot more comfy than that blasted tube."
"Ahhhh, yes. Got my mom, got my pacifier, I can breathe...life is good."
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