Nothing Like Mommy's Touch - Also, Moo

There I sat, Sam nestled safely against my chest, one hand supporting his bottom and feet, the other hand resting gently on his bare back to keep him warm and secure. I kept one eye on him, and one eye on his monitor. The soft beeping of the machines around us provided soothing background noise.

Of particular interest was the blue number on the screen, his blood oxygen levels. They are supposed to be between 90-95. If that number drops into the 70s or 80s, it is considered a desat and may require intervention. I watched, nervously, as his number began to drop. Around 83, I started to panic. 

I shifted my weight a bit and made sure he was truly comfortable. Then I saw it - his little hand, which normally rests squarely on my chest next to his face, was propped up in the air due to a thick wrap on his wrist keeping his IV (called a PICC line) in place. I touched his hand and it was ice cold. 

I called a nurse over and asked for help - I was hoping she'd be able to get his hand resting on my skin so he could warm up. She only managed to bend his arm so his hand was closer to his face - but it was still suspended in the air. That had to be uncomfortable. 

So I reached my pointer finger around to his tiny hand, and he promptly grabbed on to it, with more strength than I expected. Every time I moved (mostly out of fear that the weight of my hand might crush him), he squeezed my finger and pulled it closer to his face. I covered him as best I could with my hand and the blanket, and we stayed like that for the entirety of kangaroo care. His hand warmed up, and his stats were perfect the rest of the time - even the nurses commented on how well he tolerated the session.

Conveniently, I couldn't capture a picture of that moment, but I sure did take a mental snapshot. I took special note of his small body against mine, the little shudders as he took breaths, how he opened his eyes and looked up at me when I spoke to him. I also took note of how I felt as I held him close, and how my instincts were taking over in ways I never could have imagined. It was a beautiful moment, and I'm grateful to have shared it with him. 

We are currently monitoring his toleration of feeding. There was a slight scare earlier when I noticed that his tummy was a weird grayish green color - an x-ray determined that he was just fine, but I'll be keeping my eye on him. I also noted that his skin color was a little off. I suspect he'll be getting a transfusion soon, simply to compensate for all the blood they take from him for testing. 

Speaking of feeding - I asked the nurse if I could start bringing milk to the hospital again, having been banned from doing so until further notice due to an oversupply. She informed me that I have 66 containers of milk at the hospital, and that not only was I not to bring any in, but I also have to start taking milk home that I pump at the hospital. That's not going to be easy.

Moo.

This is the opposite of a problem, but it is still quite hilarious!

And so, we move onward to a new day tomorrow. 

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.

Feedings, Snowmen, And Oh Gosh I'm A Mom

THEY STARTED FEEDING SAM!!

Last night at around 9:00 pm, they began putting super small amounts of breast milk into his feeding tube. I am told he is tolerating it pretty well so far! Getting him to a point where he can eat is a big step forward. The milk will help him grow, and also delivers antibodies made specifically for him also. (I recommend reading about the milk produced by mothers of premature babies - really interesting stuff!)

He's always got one foot out of his comfort wrap

He does not have the bilious fluid coming out of his belly anymore, and as a result they stopped his intermittent suction. He did have a few episodes of Brady desats yesterday morning. Brady desats are when his blood oxygen and heart rate drop. The nurse said he only requires a little intervention and comes right out of the episode. I was also told that he hasn't had any episodes since yesterday morning, which is fantastic.

The nurse made the CUTEST picture for him for New Years. The snowmen are made from his tiny footprints! I didn't even realize he was big enough to have his footprint taken, and I'm pleased his skin is a bit tougher now and able to handle it. I'm saving this decoration, partially for his scrapbook, and partially so I can take the footprints to my tattoo artist as part of the tattoo I am getting for Sam. I will not be divulging the details of that until it's actually done :)

We did kangaroo care again, and boy does he love it - I love it too. I held him for three hours today and it was simply incredible. I thought I would feel more giddy or excited when I hold him, but in actuality, I feel an extreme sense of peace. I almost fell asleep while holding him, but realized that probably wasn't a good idea. I have plenty of time to cuddle with him and sleep when he gets bigger.

Sam did well up until the nurses took him off my chest, at which point he began to cry and wave his right hand as if to admonish everyone for ruining his comfort. It's not easy to watch him cry, but he recovered from it fairly quickly. I also got to change his diaper again, by myself this time, and other than him trying to escape my grip he did pretty well. He fell asleep when all was said and done.

My first true realization that I am a mother hit me when I was holding him today. It just washed over me out of nowhere. I suddenly was able to fathom that the tiny being I was cradling in my hands is my son, and that I am responsible for his care (to an extent for now, moreso when he leaves the hospital). I knew logically that I am a mom, but today it felt like my spirit caught up to my brain.

I also decided to purchase myself a diaper bag, which even further solidified my "oh my gosh I'm a parent" feeling. I have to carry pump supplies, paperwork, empty bottles, toiletries, and other assorted items back and forth to the NICU, and it just makes sense to have a bag compartmentalized specifically for baby needs.

It was another good day today.

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.

Kangaroo Care

I could barely contain my excitement as I waltzed into the NICU today. Sam's nurse and I shared pleasantries and she gave me updates on him. The bilious fluid is still appearing, but still not excessive, so no antibiotics will be administered. He has not started feeding yet, much to the chagrin of everyone. Otherwise, his respirator settings are still awesome, and he is still not on any medication other than caffeine (to help his breathing).

Now came the time I had been waiting for: kangaroo care.

Kangaroo care is when a parent holds baby on his/her chest. This treatment is especially useful for premature babies, because laying on your chest is the closest the baby will get to being in the womb. It's comforting for both parties. 

I was told to wear a shirt that opened in the front, so I wore a button down shirt and a tank top. The nurse brought me a comfy chair and pillows, and instructed me to take off my yellow NICU gown and get comfortable. Then, she and another nurse disconnected some of Sam's tubes, lifted him out of his incubator, and placed him safely on my chest. His legs were tucked into my shirt, and they taped his respirator tubes to my shoulder so they wouldn't move. They put a hat on his head and covered us both in a blanket, and let us be. 

I held him for two hours, and for that two hours...it was pure bliss. He only fidgeted once or twice - for the most part, he slept. A few times, he opened his eyes and looked directly up at me. His vitals stayed consistent and, if I may say, awesome for the entire time I held him. I soon became accustomed to his breathing, and could even feel little hiccups or reflexes here and there. 

He was placed back into his incubator when it came time for his vitals. I was able to help with that too! I learned how to take his temperature today. I also changed his diaper, which contained his first passing of meconium (a dark, greenish black secretion). He handled the diaper changing really well, considering I couldn't get that tiny diaper in place for the life of me. Finally, I gave him his comfort swab. He really, really enjoys that swab! 

Did you know they have preemie pacifiers? That's what that green plastic thing is.

The nurse wrapped him back up so he would be cozy, and he knocked out, looking even more peaceful than I had ever seen him. 

Today was a big step for me as a mom. I had felt quite helpless up to this point. Sure, I could pump my breast milk, but I didn't feel like I could tend to him the way a mother would. Coming home after delivery sans pregnancy or baby is also a bizarre feeling, best described as feeling like a piece of you has been ripped out. Playing a part in his care, even if it's something like taking his temperature, makes me feel like a real parent. And holding him made me feel like that missing piece was back in place. I felt complete. I still do. I'm riding this high long after returning home. 

I suspect both Sam and I will sleep very, very well tonight. 

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.

The Most Exciting Diaper Change In The World

I never thought I'd see the day where I would get uncontrollably giddy over the prospect of changing a diaper, but there I was, dancing around when the nurse told me I could help. She had her arms in one side of the incubator and helped me, talking me through it, while I did the motions. I felt much more comfortable touching him today and realized that despite his small size, he is quite strong and solid. Of course, Sam peed as soon as I removed his diaper, which I found hilarious.

Another development: he weighs 505 grams, which is 7 grams over his birth weight!! Considering he dropped to 398, this is fantastic news.

He still has bilious fluid coming up in his mouth, but the neonatologist said the volume of fluid was not uncommon or excessive. Hopefully they will start to feed him tomorrow.

They also inserted a PICC line in his arm, which means the umbilical line can come out. It should be removed tonight, which means tomorrow I get to hold him on my chest - something the nurses call "kangaroo care". I am BEYOND EXCITED for this!! I thought it would be months before I got to hold him, but the nurses said that the kangaroo care is incredibly important for preemies, and wanted to start it as soon as possible. I am to wear a shirt that opens in front, and I can choose to take my bra off so that there's no material interference.

The best moment today, in a sea of good news, was the moment when he opened his eyes and looked directly at me.

Not pictured: the direct look

I thought he already had me wrapped around his finger, but seeing his big eyes open melted me into a puddle of goo. It was like magic just swirled around him and erupted into a brilliant explosion of pixie dust. 

Every time I see him I am inspired and proud. 

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.

Merry Christmas!

We went to visit Sam for his first Christmas today, and behold - the blue light was gone!! He started off with two lights. They took him down to one the past two days, and this morning removed them both. I was overjoyed to see he no longer needed the light. This also meant they could take his eye mask off, and he looked much calmer and happier today as a result.

He's so tiny, you can't even see him in the incubator!

We didn't stay very long. His oxygen levels were good today, mostly in the 90s. He's also gained some weight; not quite back to birth weight yet, but super close now. He does still have some of the bile in his mouth, but it's very little at this point. They're suctioning it out for now. He slept most of the time we were there, other than when the nurse tried to change his diaper and take his vitals. That's when he kicked his legs straight out and delivered a few of his famous punches. I couldn't help but laugh at that!

I've actually had to grapple with my feelings about some of the nurses the past few days. To be fair, I feel like all of them take very, very good care of him. It just seemed, especially during night shift, that they did not spend an awful lot of time watching him - they always seemed to be with another baby. At first, that bothered me. I wanted to know why they weren't near my son more often. After giving it some thought, I realized that this is probably a good thing. More often than not he is holding steady, which probably means the nurses can leave him be and devote their time to other babies that require more attention and care. 

It was good to see his cute little face more clearly now without the encumbrance of the mask. I also enjoyed seeing him so relaxed. The nurse had him pretty closely contained and in darkness, which is a pretty good simulation of the womb. 

Our first Christmas wasn't what I imagined it would be - it was far, far better. 

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.

Sam's First Christmas Eve

Today Santa came to visit all of the babies in the NICU. All of the children got little striped hats and candy cane socks. Sam is too small to fit the socks, but nurse G (his primary nurse) did get the hat on his head.

It doesn't look like he enjoyed the hat very much, on account of his legs kicked out and the angry look on his face. Much like in the womb, he isn't a fan of foreign objects on or near his body.

Sam seems much more comfy with Santa here. They even raised the lid to his incubator just long enough for us to get an awesome picture! Santa was a great sport, and I'm so thankful he came around to visit the babies who otherwise would not be able to see him today.

I admit, at first it was kind of hard to wrap my head around celebrating Christmas with Sam this year. But after thinking about it, I'm really glad I got to share this experience with him. It's not what I imagined his first Christmas would be, but it was still perfect.

Sam's vital signs have been good today. He was doing well while we were there, too. He's had some bile in his mouth, which they are monitoring. They can't feed him as long as that continues. The nurses are anxious for him to begin drinking breast milk so he can get those nutrients, but he can't eat until his digestive system is in working order. Fingers crossed the bile issue resolves on its own and quickly.

As Sam continues to fight....so shall I.