We rang in the new year exactly where we needed to be: right in the NICU, with some of the other NICU parents. Sam basically slept through it, which isn't surprising. I was just glad our little family got to bring in the new year together, the way it should be.
They have taken Sam off his feedings for now. His tummy was getting a bit distended, so they wanted to give his system a break and make sure he could tolerate the milk. As of today, his belly looks much better, and his x-rays were good, so hopefully they will start feeding him again tomorrow. To help speed the process a bit and to kick his digestive system into gear, the nurse gave him a suppository. As it turns out, babies can push suppositories right back out, so the nurse had to literally hold it in until it melted.
Sam was not pleased.
Plotting his retaliation on the nurse
I had a bit of a scare the other day, too. We tried to do kangaroo care, but it must have been a bad day because Sam suffered two brady desats (steep decrease in heart rate and oxygen) almost immediately after he was placed on my chest. The nurses had to use a bag to manually give him air twice, and after the second time they decided to put him back into his incubator. He did have a few desats after that, but on the whole he did much better.
I lost my mind.
I couldn't help but think it was my fault, that maybe I'd held him wrong, or it was too much for him, or I was hurting him. The nurse assured me, over and over, that it wasn't my fault - that it was probably his tubes, or due to him having a long day, and not to take it personally. That is far easier said than done. The entire time, all I could do was pray over and over that my baby wouldn't die in my arms. Sure, that was a rather morbid conclusion to reach, but I really had no idea what was going on, and I couldn't help myself. Up to that point, I comforted myself with the notion that holding him was like a safe space for both of us. Having that happen was a bit devastating, and it took some time for me to get past it.
Today, I held him again. We had one episode where he moved his head around a bit and had a small desat. After that, I offered him my finger to hold again, which he did, and he did great this time. In fact, he did not want to let go of my finger, and cried when he was placed back in his incubator. He also had wonderful stats after that. It made me feel better to hold him today, and I didn't take that time for granted.
It's amazing to see my son starting to get larger, and watching him develop. He is now at 26 weeks and 2 days gestation, and doing really well for such a little guy. His respirator settings are low and he doesn't require a lot of medication.
I just have to remember that he is still very, very small, and still developing. I simply cannot wait until I can get him home and hold him for as long as I want. When I can change his little diapers whenever, and cradle him in my arms when he cries, and feed him, and play with him.
As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.
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