Take a Break, Mom.

Yesterday was the first day in over 3 weeks that I chose not to visit the hospital. I was inches from hitting the brick wall of pure exhaustion. Last week I wore my underwear backwards, which makes for a funny story, but is also frightening. Backwards underwear is an easy cognitive failure to fix. But such errors while driving, cooking, or cleaning could be more dangerous and even deadly. 

I also noted that when I slept I didn't rest, I had little to no appetite (a breast milk killer), and had trouble staying hydrated. 

Sam needs a functioning mommy to ask questions and sit by his side and hold him and speak to him and hum (not terrorizing my poor child with my singing voice) songs. He doesn't need a fatally exhausted mommy who can't see straight and risks getting sick. 

So, I stayed home. It was much easier in theory than in application.. 

My emotions swung wildly between relief and guilt. I sobbed for a good 20 minutes, because I wanted so badly to see him, I felt guilty for not going, but I also knew deep down that I needed rest. After getting some awesome advice from my aunt, and soothing words from my mom, I had dinner, called the hospital, and went to sleep. 

I GOT THE BEST SLEEP EVER. 

Honestly, it's been weeks since I slept like that. I believe I finally got that wonderful post-delivery sleep I always hear so much about. The only bad part was a nightmare in which Samuel went missing from the NICU and I had to find him, but even that was a good sign - it meant I was actually sleeping deeply enough to dream for once. 

Sam's nurse texted me a picture of him last night, not long before I went to sleep. He had a very good, stable day yesterday, and that has continued to this morning. He had another transfusion this morning, which I expected. He is also tolerating his feeding pretty well thus far! 

I am feeling so much better today - like a whole new person, almost. There's actually some gas in my tank and the world feels a little brighter than it was before. It feels so refreshing. 

And of course, with some more energy, I'm going back to the hospital today :) 

As Sam continues to fight, so shall I.